I can remember this moment so clearly, as it flashes through my head. I was staring at my home village, 4 months ago, standing at the top of the hill nearby. My home, my rural idyll, which had given me a feeling of comfort and belonging, upon returning seemed oppressive, crushing and bereft of brightness or warmth.
The excitement of going back was immediately dampened the first minutes I stepped on the Polish ground. I was left completely shattered and devastated by the feelings that I couldn’t explain. I kept saying before, blindly, that living abroad changes you forever, but honestly, I didn’t really realize the true meaning of it, until now.
I was struggling for many days to describe my feelings to those who haven’t experienced them themselves and I couldn’t find a way. I simply felt extremely insecure and unrestful. It was like the bridge over the river behind me collapsed and I couldn’t cross it anymore.
The days were passing by and I had no idea why I was feeling like something was missing. I eventually realized that my home would never, ever again feel the same as it had before. I came face-to-face with the fact that I had unconsciously agreed on this wistful change the moment I had boarded that plane to the United Arab Emirates, a few months ago.
It stroked me how little everything had changed there. Everyone kept struggling with the same problems, as before. My world had to slow down in order to adjust to the people’s life. I maybe missed some weddings, new born’s baptisms, house warming parties. Besides that, everything appears to have stayed the same – however, the truth is that life moved on without me there, as I am no longer part of it. This is a the price to pay with moving abroad.
I constantly oppose a continual pull to go back to the place I call “home”. Because I left the part of myself there, it makes me feel like I’m living in a suspended reality, not really here yet and not really there anymore.
After all, home isn’t really a location; it’s a feeling of belonging and familiarity, the peace of mind, the assurance of security, the sense of community.
Perhaps, I was born to travel. Perhaps, I might be simply constantly searching for a home, wherever I go. I no longer wonder if I will ever again have the same sense of home, I rather brood about making a home at the place that I stay at the moment. Conclusively, in favour of losing the home comfort, I have gained the citizenship of the world.
I spent a lot of amazing moments with my family and friends in Poland. A lot of tears were shed, due to a long time we haven’t seen each others. Life indeed may you to unexpected, breath-taking places. Love brings you home.